Week 20, Day 1: Crying over my VA job

Dear Junior,

Its 1am. I can't sleep and I have work tomorrow. I think I feel you kicking for the first time. All a bunch of firsts.

At first, I couldn't sleep because I have a lot on my mind. Dad and I are going to Quebec City and Montreal for a baby moon.  A good friend, Grace recommended a bunch of places to eat that will complete our vacation plans and I can't wait to add them to our master excel list.

Auntie Naemeh and her now husband got married last week in Hawaii. How romantic! Mike and I will have a little BBQ for them to celebrate this Friday. Cooking for 12 ppl.

My bachelorette party is Saturday. The girls have something planned for me and I can't wait to see how it rolls out.

I have a new Physical Therapy student starting tomorrow. Thank god that I have the experience of supervising a student under my belt and this is not my first time. I'm still nervous that I was half dreaming about my patient schedule and adding those items that Grace mentioned to my Montreal/Quebec City list.

We saw Auntie Kim and Auntie Cynthia on Saturday. They gave up and will continue to give stuff to us for you! We won't have to buy a thing and saving us so much money. I think Grandma Donna would be so pleased to know her nieces are taking care of me. I can't wait to update the master list. I want to do it right now. 

And lastly and most importantly, I was crying.... mourning over the future loss of my VA job over dinner. Once you are born I will have to retire my most favorite job that I have ever had. I work with the most fantastic, intelligent and flexible staff at the VA hospital in Brooklyn. My patient population, veterans are a special beast. Brave, bold, sensitive, who know how to take orders with the most amazing stories of life and service. Grace said look on the positive side - at least I got to have the job in the first place.

I love you Junior. I can't wait to tell you how this story unfolds - my professional life continued to evolve and I did not lose the best job ever but started on a new road that you helped me get on.

Sigh, I don't think that I should have had that cup of tea at lunch and the bubble tea after work. I think all that caffeine is what's keeping me up.

Love you lots,
Mom

Week 20: The Great Grey Turd

Hey Junior

I was tempted to say hey baby but my bigger baby, namely your dad likes to correct my wording and say it's not a baby until it's out. So I will continue to call you, Junior.

Ever since the 2nd or 3rd month, I have been sleeping with his huge body pillow, I call the giant turd. It's a long strip of pillow that I sleep with on the bed that makes it possible to sleep with my impossible nightmares and busted left shoulder. In Jan, we had a snow storm and I yanked my shoulder backwards when I was slipping down a pair of stairs on my way to Chinatown. On top of it now, I have trouble sleeping on my back bc of two reasons. They say my uterus is  compressing on my vena cava limited the blood coming back into my heart and therefore pumping into my body and you! And it makes me feel nauseous and uncomfortable for the same reason. So this is the massive turd that sleeps in our bed.

Dad has been sweet with it. He cuddles next to me, next to it and places his head on it for 10min in the morning and spoons me before I get up. It's the best start of a day.

This giant turd has been a big lifesaver. Your auntie sandy let me borrow hers. I hope the person that invented it made a fortune from it.

Love you
Mom

Week 19, Day 7: Great with Child

This picture is you and me reading the book at the crack of dawn on Saturday because your father decided to blast the rugby on his iphone when I was trying to sleep. 

Dear Junior,

People love giving me, a new mommy advice. On the most part, I welcome it except the bit when people tell me that I should '[go out] more' bc you won't be sleeping or doing much when he comes out. It doesn't sound like advice to me.

Your dad and I go out and do too much in my opinion. I miss the days where we would watch marathons of greys anatomy and snuggle on the couch. All we have time for is an episode here and there of persons of interest. We don't even watch my favorite show, call of the midwife.

I know they mean well so I listen to all of their advice except the 'you wouldn't sleep at all when he comes out' bit. Because it's more of a statement rather than advice.

On the flip side, I read three blogs. One of them is called Cup of Jo. She is my favorite and she gives wonderful advice. She recommended this one book called Great with Child. It's a book of letters to a first time mother. Its sweet, funny and extremely on point. I am savoring the book by reading only a few pages at a time.

I have enough baby books to sink a battleship but this one just makes me feel better. Kinda like if your grandma was still alive. It may have been the advice she may or may not have given me.

Switching topics, I love your little body. I saw you on the screen at the anatomy scan on Wednesday . You were very still. You wouldn't give the technician a view of your heart. My appointment was in the afternoon when I'm usually not as busy in the clinic so maybe you were napping or tired. My next scan will be at 8:30am so you will be more active then. You were cute as can be. I look forward to see you again in two weeks.

Love you lots
Mom

Week 19, Day 1: Dreams

Dear Junior

I have been having some crazy VIVID dreams lately that I can remember so clearly the next morning. They said its the combination of the hormones and my anxiety of having you, building up in me and my subconscious coming to life. Boy, is my subconscious WILD! Here are a very samples of my crazy dreams.

-- Last night, I dreamt that I was with the CIA and we were chasing someone. The entire dream was exhausting and the 'perp' as they say it in SVU was pretty elusive. Until he stopped at Swansee mall in Fall River, Massachusetts and could not help himself but purchase a pair of Boston Red Sox pair of sock on markdown with an additional 75% off, making it $2.00. The perp was so impressed that he stopped the chase just so he can show me his buy. The detail, my darling!
    -- In real life, I have been worried about your Auntie April because of her wedding. Lots of people are concerned about the Zika virus and not attending her dream wedding. Its hard breaking so much I try not to think about it because it makes me very weepy and I don't want you to feel the sadness. She happens to work in retail and scores real killer deals. She is marrying a kind, smart and lovely young man named Greg who is originally from Mass and is indeed a Red Sox fan like Grandpa. Swansee Mall was this mall in Mass near Great Grandma that I used to love and always want to go to when I was little.

-- I dreamed of this girl named Lucia that I had a falling out with more than 10 years ago. We were very good friends from high school through college. In the dream, I was hanging around my usual group of friends and she was speaking Korean to them and they understood. I told her that 'I was sorry' and asked why she can't forgive me already and there was no need to speak in Korean in front of me.
-- In real life, the last message I left for her was on her voicemail saying I would call her for her birthday to arrange a trip to Six Flags, just me and her. I never followed up and she never called me. She was upset with our group of friends to the point of betrayal. I didn't have the courage to tell her that I wasn't going to stop hanging around them.

-- Last one, I dreamed about Auntie Sandy's husband's inlaw's parents, who I have never met. Their father was in my hospital and I gave a discharge recommendation and the family was not happy about it. They were grouped together sobbing and blaming me for my poor decision. And I told them that it was my professional opinion and backed it up with logical thinking. They still blamed me.
-- This is my work everyday. I recommend whether veterans should go home, to rehab or long term facility. Many vets have no children or anyone to care for them. The hard decision is whether its safe to manage in the comfort of their own home or whether its better to go to a miserable, sterile nursing home. Home is always better but only if its safe. I had to make a call on his one man who lives on the ground floor apt while his sister lives on the second floor. He was safe in my opinion but only under the condition that his sister visit him daily. The patient returned a few days after discharge stating that he cannot manage on his own.

Anyhoo, that was a mouthful. I have action packed dreams filled with heavy emotion and terror daily. I don't even watch tv much except for Persons of Interest, which might contribute to all the chasing dreams and grenade launchers. Luckily my life is not really like that.

Love you lots,
Mom

Picture from Gamesradar.

Week 18, Day 1: Eating

Picture from Healthline.

Dear Junior, 

I went a bachelorette party last weekend and had a tasting menu. It had bone marrow with manila clams, smoked salmon and rum bread pudding. All the mommy's but your Auntie Sandy said not to eat it. With all seriousness. I only ate a bit of everything and I sat across another single woman who did not judge me when I ate the 'bad stuff'. I ATE IT! I couldn't say no. I'm hoping my tiny bite won't upset you...

If you have a weird allergy or a weird obsession for a specific food, I want to come clean about what I have been eating while you were in my belly. I follow the general guidelines about what not to eat - no sushi, only well done meat, no unpasteurized cheese, no alcohol.

Here is my list of guilty sins - white rice, a few clams in seafood dishes, Chinese roast pork, Chinese  crispy pork, ham, bacon,  Chinese sausage, sour ribbons, Chinese Steamed buns (the last few items heated till its steaming), Chinese pastries and many, many slices of delicious thin crust pizza in Brooklyn's Pizza Den on 18th Ave, near your mom's work. No cravings for pickles and ice cream or Wendys or McDonalds. Oh and I also ate deep fried liver pieces at this Turkish restaurant in Bay Ridge with dad after seeing our estate lawyer. But that's it.

Your dad and I have been making a huge effort to fill out plates with veggies and only dabble in my guilt sins. He says every thing in moderation. I agree. We watch a TV show called "Call of the Midwife" that takes places in the 1950s slums of East End. They smoked, drank and ate whatever they want. Its this reasoning that helps me sleep at night.

Love,
Mom

Week 17, almost 18: You

Dear Junior,

This is a way to tell you how growing you in my belly felt.  I started a little late because your dad and I have gone through a few problems and accidents during the first couple of months but its finally settling down now. Here is what you look like at our last doctor's visit, Week 16.

Dad and I magically agreed upon the same name separately, Theodore before you were born but saw the ultrasound and thought, hmmm, you don't look like a Theodore anymore. So we are on the search for a new name for you. For now the blog will be name, Dear Junior because that's the cute name your dad gave you when we were talking about you at dinner and it stuck.

I believe his coworkers call you Mike Junior. Auntie Sandy asked to call you 'beanie baby' because  our friend Albert called your dad, Mr. Bean, after the British TV character, once-upon-a-time when he didn't know your dad very well. Thank god your dad looks nothing like Mr. Bean.

Love,
Mom

Picture of Mr. Bean from What Culture.