Week 39, Day 2, Entry 2: How Can I meet you earlier?

Hey Junior,

I saw the OB on Wednesday and she said I'm 1cm dilated, which means two things 1) I'm progressing 2) I could very much stay at this stage for a very long time.

So I vow to walk, walk, walk to get you moving. Auntie Sandy's mom said if I walk 3 flights of stairs, 3x/daily, you will arrive. Auntie Naemeh said that her dad's wife gave birth to Shahab the following day that her elevator broke down and she needed to climb to the 8th FL. A patient at work said to negotiate 4 flights of stairs and you will show up. A coworker said ingest castor oil and you will slip out within hours like her cousin. Uh, I nixed that idea.

Tomorrow, I will attempt a little stair climbing to get this party started! 

Love u
Mom

Week 39, Day 6 - No sleep till Brooklyn!!!

Hey Junior,

In the first trimester, I had trouble sleeping because of crazy vivid nightmares from all the hormones running through my body. Sandy's grey turd was a lifesaver. 4 weeks ago, I had trouble sleeping on my side because my belly hurt and I took it as bad sign that I was bothering you. So I started sleeping on a wedge and tolerated the low back pain. Then the low back pain got too much 1 week ago so I would alternate between the grey turd and the wedge. Last night..... OH last night. Junior threw me to the DOGS!!!

I had the worst back pain on the side that you are sitting on - the left side. Sleeping on my back, left side, right side, upright on the couch did not help. I felt like you were STABBING my back. I thought this is it... this is back labor and I'm going to the hospital first thing. Nope, walking,  quadruped and leaning forward did the trick but I can't sleep in those positions. Instead, I had to wake up every hour to walk off the pain in the livingroom.

My, oh, my. I love you but GOOD GOD you hurt last night. haha. Looking forward more than ever to meeting you.

Love u
Mom

Week 39, Day 1: Oh, things have changed.

Dear Junior,

You were good to me...up until 2 weeks ago.

I can no longer sleep on my side because it hurts the underside of my belly after several hours so I sleep on the wedge I purchased for your dad. So only my thoracic and lumbar spine hurts. Better me than maybe you. I'll take it.

I can't fit into yoga pants anymore so I'm stuck wearing tights and I never ever wear tights because of my big pelvic bone. Ugh.

My feet are swollen so I had to buy new shoes. My legs are bigger so my socks cut into my calf.

I poo 2x a day and eat a gazillion times a day because there is no enough room in my belly to fit you AND my organs.

Peeing is still ok due to the brilliants exercise of Kegels.

I have a new structure like a mini Smurf in my nether regions called a varicose vein. I almost cried at the site of it. Doctor said it will go away in a few weeks after you are born.

But all in all, I love you and you are absolutely, positively worth it. I finished my last day of work so I can rest up before your arrival. I can't wait to meet you.

Kisses,
Mom

Week 31, Day 7: Your Nursery

Dear Junior, 

This week, we finished construction on dad's workstation because we made a deal to clear out the 2nd bedroom exclusively for you. Closer to your delivery date, I'll be able to confirm if we were able to successfully move out all of our junk.

Here is the before and after picture! I am pretty proud that we had the idea to create a space for dad rather than him camp out on the kitchen table and do work. The area feels so much more lighter and useful!

          

  
Photos of before and after workstation. 

I read the book, The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up. I read about it on Cup of Jo and it was available for free through the New York Public Library. It helped me and ultimately your dad part ways with our old books, papers, memorabilia to make space for all your goodies. For me, the best advice from the book is to thank your old stuff for its service to you and wish them a proper farewell. And there was no place to 'squirrel it away' in the words of dad.

Dad was genius and able to consolidate all his tools and put it on his side of the closet.

We are looking for wall decals and a new rug. Going to move around the frames somewhere in the apartment or to the opposite wall. Dad's old desk that we loved and had shipped from an Etsy artist from NC will be repurposed to your changing station.

Cousin Cynthia and Cousin Kim gifted all of their kids stuff to you so dad and I don't have to spend a dime on a crib, clothes, bouncer, carrier.... everything.

We have yet to put everything together and still need to make a trip to the Salvation Army to donate some more stuff but the plan is in place... and slowly we are getting ready for you.

Love u
Mom

Week 31, Day 7: Being Pregnant

Hello Junior,

The 7th month of carrying you has been A LOT harder than the previous months.

In my first trimester, I was not nauseous, sick or hypersensitive about smells and sights. I, thankfully, continued to treat patients in all of their torpedo turds, catheter bags and other bodily fluid glory with only slight nausea. My back does not hurt. The feet are not swollen. I did not send out Dad for midnight cravings for Pizza Hut, grilled cheese or pints of Haagen Dasz Butter Pecan ice cream, not that he would go get it for me. I was just nervous of losing you because I was under a lot of stress with Uncle Elliott's job search, Grandpa Randy's spotty memory and your dad's bicycle accident. I didn't want you to go away.

Second trimester was generally fine as well. I continued to move patients, climb ladders, walk from the Village to Times Sq with Auntie Naemeh, and cook daily. I didn't get heart burn with spicy food. My gym workouts were only down to 2 per week. I didn't even get mad when people didn't get up for me on the train. I was always SUPER tired and I snuck in a 45-min nap at work during lunch. All in all, I plugged along with modifications but nothing serious.

Then the 7th month hit. My belly is so big that I can't bend over and that its encroaching on my boob territory, making it hard to slouch. Its harder to breathe unless I sit up tall. I have trouble getting up from a chair and need to push off with my arms. I need momentum to roll out of bed. When I was walking from base to the train station with my coworker Nicki, her regular pace was actually very tiring and hard work on the belly. I have 'crotch pain' which is just my ligaments at my pubic symphysis getting lax and no hip muscles to keep it together. I am lucky to get to the gym once a week and I'm definitely pairing down on all my social activities. OH, and I had to pee a million times when I went to the MET with Uncle Elliot and Grandpa Randy. To be fair, it felt like 100 degrees with the humidity and I was sucking down a lot of water.

On the flip side, you are getting so big. On Sept 7th, you were 3lbs, 10oz. I can see you when you kick. You make my belly shudder. No one really notices but me so I feel like your movements are my little secret. Its all worth it.

Can't wait to meet you darling.
Love u,
Mom

Picture of me at 7months and my very attractive stain at the belly button.

Week 23, Day 1: Holiday

Hey Junior

Dad and mom went on vacation. We had a exciting year with many ups and downs. We got engaged, got married, got into several car accidents, changed jobs and made you. We decided to go to Canada for 6days and eat our way from Quebec City to Montreal. Here is a picture of us.

Dad got a new camera strap so he will take more pictures because the camera is easier to hold. I love the idea of him taking pictures of your little feet and chubby legs. I decided to take more selfies bc I need to practice taking pictures of myself. I don't think that I carry enough self confidence and I would like to show you that I was proud to sport you in my belly.

Vacation started off a little rocky bc dad and I fought about whether to get a private room in the hospital after you are born. On a happier note, after several meals, a few games of cribbage, a tour around Quebec City, mom and dad seem to be friendly again. It's good to be friends with your dad. He'll have my back when you are crying through the night.

Love you,
Mom

Week 23, Day 3: Kicking

Hi Junior

Dad and I are on a train from Quebec City to Montreal. You were kicking. You started kicking about a month ago during my last visit to my OB. I thought it was gas so I couldn't say for sure. Dr. Fieldman said it happens 16-24 weeks and possibly sooner since I was thin. *I have body image issues so it was awful nice to hear her say this about me.* People describe it as flutters.

Two weeks later, dad and I were watching tv. And I told him about the gas. He placed his hand over the suspected gassy spot and he said you kicked. I was more smitten by dad touching my belly. He is not a touchy-feely person but I know he was excited to touch you.

So you have been kicking harder since that week and mainly during the 5-8:30am slot and just before bed when I am laying on my side I happen to be very active in the morning so maybe you can feel my clinic action.

Can't wait to see your big feet and shoulders edging it's way around at the surface of my belly. I know dad is psyched even if he hasn't expressed it.

Love u
Mom

Picture from enjoy-summing.com.

Week 24, Day 1: Our Wedding

Dear Junior,

I wanted to tell you about Dad and Mom's wedding day before it becomes too far in the past and I forget the details. I wrote the below on our baby moon last week. Enjoy!

We started our day at 9:30am at the steps of city hall, enjoying the glorious winter weather. We shed our jackets and took pictures till 10:30am while sipping down a little Starbucks to jump start our day. Our loving families escorted us into the Marriage Bureau on Worth St withits  golden halls, porcelain columns and vintage-inspired lamp fixtures. Surrounding us was every walk of life. Asian lady with cowboy boots with her older Caucasian partner . Hispanic couple with their children. Russian mail order brides. Husbands getting married with their chic bridesmaids in pink frou frou outfits and fur shoulder shrugs. The diversity of the scene was the perfect backdrop to our NYC weddings.

Dad was dressed in a perfect blue suit that Auntie Katie and Grandma Helen help pick out. I was dressed in a gold dress that Auntie Sandy and Auntie April help me pick out. I told them that I wanted to look like a celebrity, not a bride. There are not many places that I can wear a gold skin tight dress and feel like I won the Oscars. My hair was done the night before in a local salon in Sunnyside. I went to Sephora on two occasion to learn how to apply my own make up. I believe that weddings are a very important day but it should not have to break the bank in the name of a wedding. My bouquet was purchased in the florist down the street where dad buys me beautiful flowers. It has these wonderful like thistle flowers that I used in a boutonnière at a friends wedding early the previous year.

City hall was a dream of mine. Originally, to be just with your dad but it evolved to include our families. It's quiet. It's simple and generally meant to be stress free. And I wanted it in the city that your dad and I loved each other in and continued to grow our relationship.  It was low maintenance affair and just the way we like things.  The quiet nature brings into focus, 'us' in our big day.

Within city hall, the building has been redone so that old looks new. The decor has a 1920s look with the gold columns and black marble table tops. The process took 40 minutes which was just enough time to enjoy the atmosphere without the insanely long queue. If your dad has taught me anything, we don't queue for anything anymore. 


Katie was our witness-reliable and someone we both love. She held our rings. With all the kindness in her heart, she left her baby boy and other half in London to be a part of our small ceremony.

The grandparents and siblings stood sweetly and quietly by as we took a million photos and danced around with anticipation for the ceremony. We waiting in line for 20 minutes and the ceremony lasted no more than 2 min.

Our judge was this African-American woman with great directions and a hairdo that your dad thought looked like something out of Battlestar Galatica. She asked for our rings. We said our 'I do's.'  At some point, the judge caught your dad in the middle of placing the ring on my finger and said if he had anything to say to me. In a fashion that is true to your dad, he said 'hang on. I can only do one thing at a time.'  After that he said something along the lines of looking forward to spending the rest of my life with your mom. I don't remember a word that I said. I only remember trying hard hold back my sob in front of everyone. Marrying your dad and becoming his wife has made me incredibly happy. There are days that I want to kill your dad but happy to say our wedding day wasn't one of them.

We lunched at the French cafe that your dad and I dined in after choosing our engagement and wedding rings. In the evening, we surrounded ourselves and celebrated our day with friends and family at the local beer garden, Bierocracy that just opened that month. A perfect day for a wedding. I was lucky it happened to me.

Grandma Helen made us our wedding cake, which was De-LIC-IOUS!

Week 20, Day 1: Crying over my VA job

Dear Junior,

Its 1am. I can't sleep and I have work tomorrow. I think I feel you kicking for the first time. All a bunch of firsts.

At first, I couldn't sleep because I have a lot on my mind. Dad and I are going to Quebec City and Montreal for a baby moon.  A good friend, Grace recommended a bunch of places to eat that will complete our vacation plans and I can't wait to add them to our master excel list.

Auntie Naemeh and her now husband got married last week in Hawaii. How romantic! Mike and I will have a little BBQ for them to celebrate this Friday. Cooking for 12 ppl.

My bachelorette party is Saturday. The girls have something planned for me and I can't wait to see how it rolls out.

I have a new Physical Therapy student starting tomorrow. Thank god that I have the experience of supervising a student under my belt and this is not my first time. I'm still nervous that I was half dreaming about my patient schedule and adding those items that Grace mentioned to my Montreal/Quebec City list.

We saw Auntie Kim and Auntie Cynthia on Saturday. They gave up and will continue to give stuff to us for you! We won't have to buy a thing and saving us so much money. I think Grandma Donna would be so pleased to know her nieces are taking care of me. I can't wait to update the master list. I want to do it right now. 

And lastly and most importantly, I was crying.... mourning over the future loss of my VA job over dinner. Once you are born I will have to retire my most favorite job that I have ever had. I work with the most fantastic, intelligent and flexible staff at the VA hospital in Brooklyn. My patient population, veterans are a special beast. Brave, bold, sensitive, who know how to take orders with the most amazing stories of life and service. Grace said look on the positive side - at least I got to have the job in the first place.

I love you Junior. I can't wait to tell you how this story unfolds - my professional life continued to evolve and I did not lose the best job ever but started on a new road that you helped me get on.

Sigh, I don't think that I should have had that cup of tea at lunch and the bubble tea after work. I think all that caffeine is what's keeping me up.

Love you lots,
Mom

Week 20: The Great Grey Turd

Hey Junior

I was tempted to say hey baby but my bigger baby, namely your dad likes to correct my wording and say it's not a baby until it's out. So I will continue to call you, Junior.

Ever since the 2nd or 3rd month, I have been sleeping with his huge body pillow, I call the giant turd. It's a long strip of pillow that I sleep with on the bed that makes it possible to sleep with my impossible nightmares and busted left shoulder. In Jan, we had a snow storm and I yanked my shoulder backwards when I was slipping down a pair of stairs on my way to Chinatown. On top of it now, I have trouble sleeping on my back bc of two reasons. They say my uterus is  compressing on my vena cava limited the blood coming back into my heart and therefore pumping into my body and you! And it makes me feel nauseous and uncomfortable for the same reason. So this is the massive turd that sleeps in our bed.

Dad has been sweet with it. He cuddles next to me, next to it and places his head on it for 10min in the morning and spoons me before I get up. It's the best start of a day.

This giant turd has been a big lifesaver. Your auntie sandy let me borrow hers. I hope the person that invented it made a fortune from it.

Love you
Mom

Week 19, Day 7: Great with Child

This picture is you and me reading the book at the crack of dawn on Saturday because your father decided to blast the rugby on his iphone when I was trying to sleep. 

Dear Junior,

People love giving me, a new mommy advice. On the most part, I welcome it except the bit when people tell me that I should '[go out] more' bc you won't be sleeping or doing much when he comes out. It doesn't sound like advice to me.

Your dad and I go out and do too much in my opinion. I miss the days where we would watch marathons of greys anatomy and snuggle on the couch. All we have time for is an episode here and there of persons of interest. We don't even watch my favorite show, call of the midwife.

I know they mean well so I listen to all of their advice except the 'you wouldn't sleep at all when he comes out' bit. Because it's more of a statement rather than advice.

On the flip side, I read three blogs. One of them is called Cup of Jo. She is my favorite and she gives wonderful advice. She recommended this one book called Great with Child. It's a book of letters to a first time mother. Its sweet, funny and extremely on point. I am savoring the book by reading only a few pages at a time.

I have enough baby books to sink a battleship but this one just makes me feel better. Kinda like if your grandma was still alive. It may have been the advice she may or may not have given me.

Switching topics, I love your little body. I saw you on the screen at the anatomy scan on Wednesday . You were very still. You wouldn't give the technician a view of your heart. My appointment was in the afternoon when I'm usually not as busy in the clinic so maybe you were napping or tired. My next scan will be at 8:30am so you will be more active then. You were cute as can be. I look forward to see you again in two weeks.

Love you lots
Mom

Week 19, Day 1: Dreams

Dear Junior

I have been having some crazy VIVID dreams lately that I can remember so clearly the next morning. They said its the combination of the hormones and my anxiety of having you, building up in me and my subconscious coming to life. Boy, is my subconscious WILD! Here are a very samples of my crazy dreams.

-- Last night, I dreamt that I was with the CIA and we were chasing someone. The entire dream was exhausting and the 'perp' as they say it in SVU was pretty elusive. Until he stopped at Swansee mall in Fall River, Massachusetts and could not help himself but purchase a pair of Boston Red Sox pair of sock on markdown with an additional 75% off, making it $2.00. The perp was so impressed that he stopped the chase just so he can show me his buy. The detail, my darling!
    -- In real life, I have been worried about your Auntie April because of her wedding. Lots of people are concerned about the Zika virus and not attending her dream wedding. Its hard breaking so much I try not to think about it because it makes me very weepy and I don't want you to feel the sadness. She happens to work in retail and scores real killer deals. She is marrying a kind, smart and lovely young man named Greg who is originally from Mass and is indeed a Red Sox fan like Grandpa. Swansee Mall was this mall in Mass near Great Grandma that I used to love and always want to go to when I was little.

-- I dreamed of this girl named Lucia that I had a falling out with more than 10 years ago. We were very good friends from high school through college. In the dream, I was hanging around my usual group of friends and she was speaking Korean to them and they understood. I told her that 'I was sorry' and asked why she can't forgive me already and there was no need to speak in Korean in front of me.
-- In real life, the last message I left for her was on her voicemail saying I would call her for her birthday to arrange a trip to Six Flags, just me and her. I never followed up and she never called me. She was upset with our group of friends to the point of betrayal. I didn't have the courage to tell her that I wasn't going to stop hanging around them.

-- Last one, I dreamed about Auntie Sandy's husband's inlaw's parents, who I have never met. Their father was in my hospital and I gave a discharge recommendation and the family was not happy about it. They were grouped together sobbing and blaming me for my poor decision. And I told them that it was my professional opinion and backed it up with logical thinking. They still blamed me.
-- This is my work everyday. I recommend whether veterans should go home, to rehab or long term facility. Many vets have no children or anyone to care for them. The hard decision is whether its safe to manage in the comfort of their own home or whether its better to go to a miserable, sterile nursing home. Home is always better but only if its safe. I had to make a call on his one man who lives on the ground floor apt while his sister lives on the second floor. He was safe in my opinion but only under the condition that his sister visit him daily. The patient returned a few days after discharge stating that he cannot manage on his own.

Anyhoo, that was a mouthful. I have action packed dreams filled with heavy emotion and terror daily. I don't even watch tv much except for Persons of Interest, which might contribute to all the chasing dreams and grenade launchers. Luckily my life is not really like that.

Love you lots,
Mom

Picture from Gamesradar.

Week 18, Day 1: Eating

Picture from Healthline.

Dear Junior, 

I went a bachelorette party last weekend and had a tasting menu. It had bone marrow with manila clams, smoked salmon and rum bread pudding. All the mommy's but your Auntie Sandy said not to eat it. With all seriousness. I only ate a bit of everything and I sat across another single woman who did not judge me when I ate the 'bad stuff'. I ATE IT! I couldn't say no. I'm hoping my tiny bite won't upset you...

If you have a weird allergy or a weird obsession for a specific food, I want to come clean about what I have been eating while you were in my belly. I follow the general guidelines about what not to eat - no sushi, only well done meat, no unpasteurized cheese, no alcohol.

Here is my list of guilty sins - white rice, a few clams in seafood dishes, Chinese roast pork, Chinese  crispy pork, ham, bacon,  Chinese sausage, sour ribbons, Chinese Steamed buns (the last few items heated till its steaming), Chinese pastries and many, many slices of delicious thin crust pizza in Brooklyn's Pizza Den on 18th Ave, near your mom's work. No cravings for pickles and ice cream or Wendys or McDonalds. Oh and I also ate deep fried liver pieces at this Turkish restaurant in Bay Ridge with dad after seeing our estate lawyer. But that's it.

Your dad and I have been making a huge effort to fill out plates with veggies and only dabble in my guilt sins. He says every thing in moderation. I agree. We watch a TV show called "Call of the Midwife" that takes places in the 1950s slums of East End. They smoked, drank and ate whatever they want. Its this reasoning that helps me sleep at night.

Love,
Mom

Week 17, almost 18: You

Dear Junior,

This is a way to tell you how growing you in my belly felt.  I started a little late because your dad and I have gone through a few problems and accidents during the first couple of months but its finally settling down now. Here is what you look like at our last doctor's visit, Week 16.

Dad and I magically agreed upon the same name separately, Theodore before you were born but saw the ultrasound and thought, hmmm, you don't look like a Theodore anymore. So we are on the search for a new name for you. For now the blog will be name, Dear Junior because that's the cute name your dad gave you when we were talking about you at dinner and it stuck.

I believe his coworkers call you Mike Junior. Auntie Sandy asked to call you 'beanie baby' because  our friend Albert called your dad, Mr. Bean, after the British TV character, once-upon-a-time when he didn't know your dad very well. Thank god your dad looks nothing like Mr. Bean.

Love,
Mom

Picture of Mr. Bean from What Culture.